So today Andrew and I got out of class early, well actually Andrew got out of class early... I just decided that I was going to take the easy way out of business. Regardless; we went to Main Star after class and used one of Andrew's coupons to get some, what we decided to be less delicious than Number 1, Chinese food. After that we sort of talked about getting bud, and that Nick Duke had it etc. etc. Arranged to meet up with Nick Duke before he went out with some friends, and get Andrew, Liz, and Sean's portion of the weed.
It's odd, because I paused here and just mentally flipped out about writing about what I believe to be the worst night I've had in quite some time. Part of me insists that I am the hugest pussy on earth, either way...
Basically this was the first shitty part of my day. I was failing, or at least from my perspective of failing, at talking to the girl I like. So I just gave up and decided to take a nap. Woke up a couple hours later and I could not even sit up. My upper back, all the way wrapped around to my chest, felt like it was slammed with a brick as I slept. Spent a bit of time failing more at life, and talking to Andrew about what we could do for the night. And ended up at Drug Fair... for entirely too long. Saddest part of my day right there, mad people home from school and Andrew and I are at work. Mhmmm.
Honestly, this isn't what I want to talk about. No one really cares how I got high, hell... that's if anyone cares period. Fuck it, either way: The point is I rolled a blunt, I'm with Sean, Martine, Liz, and Andrew, and I remember now why I hate smoking weed.
Let's start with the obvious to anyone who has hung out with me under the influence of just about anything. My throat is very narrow due to parts in there being swollen because of God knows what, but most likely bacteria of some kind. It's very uncomfortable to smoke weed for me, and before you ask I'm not really sure why I wanted to so badly. I've been trying to reset, or change, or destroy my life lately... which is in actuality happening I couldn't tell you. So I guess that's most of the reason I wanted to give it a shot tonight.
It begins fine, everything is going okay. Then the snippits, now here's the thing... I'm high and my perception of reality is entirely just that; some idiot stoner's view on what's going on around him. Nevertheless, everyone kind of gives these subtle objections to smoking from a blunt. Now, I guess that could just be silly... but again, I don't think like most people and to me it just eats and eats and eats until it becomes uncomfortable to even sit there anymore. It's a combonation of, "Wow thanks guys..." and, "You should of just listened to Andrew and used a bowl."
And so it begins... here comes the a barrier that seemingly no one can penetrate. It happens, reality fades and it feels like I'm watching a terrible movie. The movie is in first person, and you can understand and see everything happening around this empty pair of eyes. But the eyes never interact, they don't speak. No one looks at them, it truly is like watching an awkward camera angle. Eyes dart towards you, and you think oh good something might actually happen. And the eyes leave as quickly as they came. It was like I was watching all of my friends as one of the ghosts in A Christmas Carol.
It was during this vague movie scene, that I could've sworn Martine said something to me. And at this point I want to reitterate that fact that I'm still very unaware of what's going on around me. But it sounded to me like Martine said, "Is it really that hard?"... Five words, seemingly meaning nothing. But to me meaning everything. I asked what he said, and was answered with a demeaning nothing. Well, regardless of if I made this up in my head or not, I answer with yes. Yes it is quite hard. I don't really talk much about what actually bothers me. But I don't think tonight could be much worse if I do.
Liz made things extremely uncomfortable for me. I keep saying that I'm fine with everything and that hanging out wouldn't be wierd... but I'm a lying piece of shit. For the one that said she couldn't do it, she seems to be doing it a lot better than I am. I still feel like breaking up was the right idea, but I donno... I can't describe having 2 years of your life flash before you everytime you look at or hear someone. And to feel so happy, and at the same time want nothing to do with any of it is enough to drive anyone, even someone like me, a little further into insanity.
I don't know much about myself, and how it's so easy for me to become a shadow in any social situation. Two times that night, I was told I was at events that I don't ever remember even hearing about, and I just went along with it and said I was there, just because I was glad someone was finally including me or something.
I've also realized how stupid being high makes me, and not even stupid as much as preoccupied with everything that I shouldn't be thinking about. We went to A&P and I couldn't even use my charge card cause I was nervous that I would mess up and just make myself even more goofy for the night... and of course I did because I'm me.
I thought driving around was just... special also. I mean, yeah it's fun I guess to be in a car full of people who can't focus on much more than food and water, but it is quite possibly the most retarded thing we could do while smoking. I mean, if we had gotten pulled over that night, Sean could've been screwed and if they found out we were high someone would probably have to take the rap for the weed... which would be me.
Don't take this the wrong way though, cause it's not like I don't like you guys, because I do. It's just that I would rather be your friend, then someone observing you from the sidelines. And that's how it feels when I smoke weed. Maybe it was the wrong combination of people, maybe it was me being preoccupied with my health, or maybe it's just me being completely nuts. But either way, next time talk me out of it.
