I made the snow.

I know, to most it sounds completely insane but, I brought the snow to our little town today. Not by some force of magic, nor did I lasso some clouds or anything like that. In actuality the snow was probably coming whether I knew it or not, but I'd like to feel like at least some of the reason for its occurrence is due to me.

And it's not the first time either, back at school the night that my life basically got flipped turn upside down. And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there. I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air.

But seriously, it always involves her. And it always involves days that I tell her to come visit... but I don't want to see her. And last time it didn't work, and it led to another year of both of us being unhappy. I hope the snow works this time.

I can't believe I never saw this before...

The End

Sometimes I just feel like I'd be happier not here. Not there. Not anywhere.

Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel.

The end.

I hate "Happy Holidays"

Seriously, this is the worst phrase ever... it's like that whole you can't bring cupcakes to school bullshit because one kid in your class is a fatty! Well, they need to do what we did and make fun of Eddie Mann.

Happy Holidays is just some lame excuse for some piss poor soccer mom to make a scene because she didn't get prom queen and now she's a giant attention whore in hopes of rekindling her high school years. Well to you I say, way to ruin it for everyone cunt.

And no, this is not an antisemetic view. When Hanukkah becomes the festival of "kill people over Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls" instead of the Festival of Lights then we can start saying Happy Holidays. But until then, wish everyone a Merry Christmas because after the shit they went through in the malls to get their little Suzy a Barbie doll she wanted, Lord only knows they need to be wished a Merry something... else they may wind up shoving good old Barbie down Suzy's throat when Suzy breaks Grandpa's needlessly expensive and delicate glass fishing rod.

And none of this Happy Christmas either, we're in America thank you very much. Not some confused on which holiday is which country.
Happy Hannukah <- notice the illiteration.
Merry Christmas <- Happy was already taken.
Care-free Christmas <- More illiteration... I think it works, go with that.

In closing, I would like to point out also... that Kwanza is not a real holiday.


So Merry Christmas everyone. And Happy Hanukkah for the next like week.

(No Subject)

I have been great for 3 days, now I am not.

I feel worse than I have in a very long time. I do not even want to move right now. I tried to eat to stop this sinking feeling in my stomach, ate ravioli and spat it out. I don't really know why I am even typing this... because I'm sure no one wants to hear about how depressed I am. I just felt like you all deserved to know why I am such a shit if I decide to come out at all over the next couple weeks. But chances are I'll just be going to work and staying home.

We all have our problems, and I'm not trying to sound like mine are the worst in the world, because they're not. But we all deal with shit differently, and maybe some of you would've been fine with the shit I've put up with in my life... but I'm not. And to have someone who you thought was better than that, throw things about your past that they know upsets you in your face as ammunition for an argument is really unforgivable.

But there's some things I just don't want to hear. And there's some things I just don't want to remember. And to be reminded of how worthless I was to the one person in this world who should love me unconditionally, especially in a time where I've driven the second person of that same criteria to the brink of a similar act, has just put me in a place where I really don't want to be.

/sigh

Tonight we chilled at Briana's for quite some time, and it was pretty fun. Afterward I took Will back home, and returned to the same street that Briana's house is on... but I did not go to Briana's house.

At this point I would like to apologize for what I am about to do, but I have reached rock bottom here. I have just been lectured at 5:30 in the morning about how much of a fuck up I am, and I have finally decided that my dad is pretty much right. I'm quite possibly the biggest waste of space ever. So here goes my possibly overtly offensive / egotistical / misery burdened rant:

Which I decided not to do, since I got my IPod back!! Woootaru go me!

I'm in a really good mood today, mostly because of that.. also because snow is fucking great. I stood outside of work looking at it for like 20 minutes before I actually went inside today.

However, I have decided also, that when I am in a good mood the rest of the world around me is pissed off at something or another. And when I am sad, everyone is normal.

Lucid Dream

Last night I had quite possibly the coolest dream ever. It started off as a huge like dance party around an 18-wheeler. After all it was a dream, something had to be completely ridiculous heh. So everyone around the truck's smoking weed, drinking beer, and whatever when I see Andrew and Sean off to the distance. They look mischievous so obviously I go over to see what's up.

"Yeah man, I got Lucy," is the first thing I hear when I walk over to the pair.

After a bit of talking Andrew says something about how he got it from some kid in his English class that does a lot of Meth. Yada yada etc. The three of us dose like 10 tabs each or something ridiculous, and we're having a blast when all of a sudden the people in the crowd around us start acting strangely. They're dancing similarly to the Nobodies from KH2, which could just be a new dance you know... but the wierd part of it all is there faces start to disappear from the nose back.

At this point all three of us start to see this happening and we flip out because we think the world is ending or some such nonsensical thing. So we run to a house that I've never seen before in my life, and lock ourselves in this like playroom in the back of the house. There's a small table with exactly 3 chairs and coloring books, blocks, basically everything a little kid room would have.

In this room we finish out our trip doing things with the toys, drawing crazy pictures that none of us could ever feasibly draw, until Liz Day opens the door and is like, "What the fuck are you guys doing?" We're all like "LIZ NO! Don't come in here, close the door you'll disappear!"

It was around this point that I started drawing one of the pictures from this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GodCbdcB9IU which is when I realized I was dreaming. After the picture was done was when the dream became really cool. I was able to distort the room to look like whatever I wanted it to, I could create food and other items, Andrew and Sean watched in amazement as I walked on the ceiling and teleported from corner to corner of the room. They thought it was because we took so much LSD, but I know it was because I'm a beast at dreaming lol.

Fun sleep.

Look Somewhere Deeper

I have been thinking of ways to explain to everyone exactly what it is I know, or at least believe that I know. I feel the best way is to just ramble on for several paragraphs about it. However, I want to begin with a disclaimer, which is as follows: Not everyone will accept what I'm saying, nor should anyone be forced to. It sounds a bit far fetched the first time you hear some of the things I'm about to try and explain, but if you let down your social norms and your defense mechanisms... it all strangely makes a lot of sense. So, here it goes.

I'd like to start with what I went through to reach where I am today. I met some people in college that were a little different than most, I'd go out on a limb and even call them hippies. One day we all tripped on LSD, and it was a good time. We did stupid stuff like play with high lighters in a black light, look at trees, etc. etc. A bit of time passed and we get some more acid, this time my friend Kathleen asks me, "Do you want to know the reason me and Lennen are so... different?" I was like sure whatever Kathleen, little did I know that the next 12 hours would change everything about my life.

We take some acid, and we go to our friend Fiz's house. We're all sitting around in a circle when Kathleen tells me to come with her. Her and Lennen take me into a room covered in the most beautiful assortment of rugs I've ever seen. They begin to explain something that in my state of mind makes about as much sense as a cat driving a taxi cab. I guess I looked a bit confused, cause what followed were four words. Those four words. "What is your name?"


To be continued....

[It's at this point that I would like to add a footnote saying I'm not 100% sure if this will be finished. It is something I enjoy sharing with everyone, because it is the one thing I can firmly say I agree with, however for those who know it is also not something that I think should be furthered on an internet blog of all places. Call me crazy.]

Late Nights

You know, I've noticed that generally when I pull really late nights or all nighters or whatever, I tend to get sad and I post things about how much my life sucks yada yada blah blah I'm a stupid whiny bitch.

Tonight I've been having a blast, I've been watching TV shows for like 6 hours, and just writing stupid stories on Facebook. During all of this, well actually immediately after all of that and precisely before I wrote this, I was looking at all of my 105 Facebook pictures. And I realized that I have a lot of "Camera Faces"

I have the classic, I'm not paying attention to you or your damn picture taking madam! This one can be seen in pictures like "Dan and Pat Chopping Wood" or "Kids in Suits in Someone's Backyard Presumably Before Prom".

Following the lack of attention pose, is the you are so boring that I am sleeping face. This one is seen almost any place where alcohol is involved. Including some pictures from Grover's house, and one of me clearly passed out with a hookah hose in my hand (addicted much?). As well as one of me sleeping standing up at a frat party that thought it was a rave in college?!

Another classic is the, "I don't really know what to do with my face, so I'll just open my mouth and look like I'm ready for a cumshot" pose. This one is slightly more homosexual than I would've hoped... but I guess you win some and lose some. Except I won nothing... and totally lost all forms of dignity on that one lol.

Then there's that face that makes me look like a creepy gremlin, which if you don't know what I'm talking about... go find the picture of me in Sean's mom's hat. Yep... now you know. Actually that's the only one where I'm making that face, which is odd because I make it a lot.

Finally the rest are encompassed in the silly expression catagory. This includes everything from giving a thumbs up as I exit a bathroom to having chopsticks coming out of the sides of my mouth to being a Swedish Fish.

I... should probably go to sleep before I waste any more of your time lollerlamp.

Lots of things to add before I do though.

• I have a 3 comment curse. So we need to get at least 4 on one of these posts haha.
• I may or may not have had sexual relations with that woman.
• My jaw has started to lock and my head is throbbing from lack of sleep.
• A handful of stores opened 15 minutes ago to sell things to the first 3.5 people in line.
• I miss my donkey.
• My cousin spilled milk last night during dessert, and I matrixed that shit and stayed dry.
• May have a fake camping night tomorrow, which would be awesomesauce.
  
• Fuck Christmas music.

And finally, I think this site records times in PST or something, cause it's totally 6:30 not 2:30.

Happy Thanksgiving

Really there's not much else to say. Everyone have fun and eat a lot. Then do like I'm doing and shit every 30 minutes or so until you can eat left overs. Then pass out from the itis.

And then we'll camp outside of Best Buy for like $100 laptops or something, but we'll fail miserably because it's already 10PM so there's probably already 50 people there.

In other news, the stupid shit I do to myself is hilarious. Glad it's (hopefully) over with for now.

My Top 5 Best Places to Think

5. Bed. Right before sleep is a time when I can think about things pretty clearly. The only problem is it keeps me up forever, and I just want to sleep. So although I get some of the best thinking done here, I would also like to give a big fuck you to my brain at night!

4. Work. Facing aisles, or standing behind a counter doesn't seem like a very proper place to contemplate the universe, but strangely it works very well. I just lean on something solid, relax, and let my mind wander.

3. Hookah Circle. There's not an event much more relaxing than watching seemingly white smoke dance around the curves of the air all night. Plus you have people there to spit knowledge back and forth to. It's generally an all around good time.

2. Shower. The shower's awesome. I love water, I love being clean, what more can I say really. Try it sometime, just stand or sit (yeah sometimes I sit on my shower floor, whatever!) and just let the water assault your back or your face, and just ponder all of your life's many mysteries.

1. Nature. It sounds corny I guess, but I've always really enjoyed just sitting by water, or under a tree, or in some field and just letting in whatever thoughts pop up. I don't do it often enough, and I think it's something I would like to do more often... so what if I'm that weird kid sitting by a pond staring at the water. It's just an awesome place to sit and just let the world pass you by mentally and physically. You'd be surprised just how intense watching something as simple as a leaf blowing or a ripple forming can be.

Who knows haha, I've had a very I guess lifting night. I feel okay for the first time in a few days.

Next Time Talk Me Out of It

So today Andrew and I got out of class early, well actually Andrew got out of class early... I just decided that I was going to take the easy way out of business. Regardless; we went to Main Star after class and used one of Andrew's coupons to get some, what we decided to be less delicious than Number 1, Chinese food. After that we sort of talked about getting bud, and that Nick Duke had it etc. etc. Arranged to meet up with Nick Duke before he went out with some friends, and get Andrew, Liz, and Sean's portion of the weed.

It's odd, because I paused here and just mentally flipped out about writing about what I believe to be the worst night I've had in quite some time. Part of me insists that I am the hugest pussy on earth, either way...

Basically this was the first shitty part of my day. I was failing, or at least from my perspective of failing, at talking to the girl I like. So I just gave up and decided to take a nap. Woke up a couple hours later and I could not even sit up. My upper back, all the way wrapped around to my chest, felt like it was slammed with a brick as I slept. Spent a bit of time failing more at life, and talking to Andrew about what we could do for the night. And ended up at Drug Fair... for entirely too long. Saddest part of my day right there, mad people home from school and Andrew and I are at work. Mhmmm.

Honestly, this isn't what I want to talk about. No one really cares how I got high, hell... that's if anyone cares period. Fuck it, either way: The point is I rolled a blunt, I'm with Sean, Martine, Liz, and Andrew, and I remember now why I hate smoking weed.

Let's start with the obvious to anyone who has hung out with me under the influence of just about anything. My throat is very narrow due to parts in there being swollen because of God knows what, but most likely bacteria of some kind. It's very uncomfortable to smoke weed for me, and before you ask I'm not really sure why I wanted to so badly. I've been trying to reset, or change, or destroy my life lately... which is in actuality happening I couldn't tell you. So I guess that's most of the reason I wanted to give it a shot tonight.

It begins fine, everything is going okay. Then the snippits, now here's the thing... I'm high and my perception of reality is entirely just that; some idiot stoner's view on what's going on around him. Nevertheless, everyone kind of gives these subtle objections to smoking from a blunt. Now, I guess that could just be silly... but again, I don't think like most people and to me it just eats and eats and eats until it becomes uncomfortable to even sit there anymore. It's a combonation of, "Wow thanks guys..." and, "You should of just listened to Andrew and used a bowl."

And so it begins... here comes the a barrier that seemingly no one can penetrate. It happens, reality fades and it feels like I'm watching a terrible movie. The movie is in first person, and you can understand and see everything happening around this empty pair of eyes. But the eyes never interact, they don't speak. No one looks at them, it truly is like watching an awkward camera angle. Eyes dart towards you, and you think oh good something might actually happen. And the eyes leave as quickly as they came. It was like I was watching all of my friends as one of the ghosts in A Christmas Carol.

It was during this vague movie scene, that I could've sworn Martine said something to me. And at this point I want to reitterate that fact that I'm still very unaware of what's going on around me. But it sounded to me like Martine said, "Is it really that hard?"... Five words, seemingly meaning nothing. But to me meaning everything. I asked what he said, and was answered with a demeaning nothing. Well, regardless of if I made this up in my head or not, I answer with yes. Yes it is quite hard. I don't really talk much about what actually bothers me. But I don't think tonight could be much worse if I do.

Liz made things extremely uncomfortable for me. I keep saying that I'm fine with everything and that hanging out wouldn't be wierd... but I'm a lying piece of shit. For the one that said she couldn't do it, she seems to be doing it a lot better than I am. I still feel like breaking up was the right idea, but I donno... I can't describe having 2 years of your life flash before you everytime you look at or hear someone. And to feel so happy, and at the same time want nothing to do with any of it is enough to drive anyone, even someone like me, a little further into insanity.

I don't know much about myself, and how it's so easy for me to become a shadow in any social situation. Two times that night, I was told I was at events that I don't ever remember even hearing about, and I just went along with it and said I was there, just because I was glad someone was finally including me or something.

I've also realized how stupid being high makes me, and not even stupid as much as preoccupied with everything that I shouldn't be thinking about. We went to A&P and I couldn't even use my charge card cause I was nervous that I would mess up and just make myself even more goofy for the night... and of course I did because I'm me.

I thought driving around was just... special also. I mean, yeah it's fun I guess to be in a car full of people who can't focus on much more than food and water, but it is quite possibly the most retarded thing we could do while smoking. I mean, if we had gotten pulled over that night, Sean could've been screwed and if they found out we were high someone would probably have to take the rap for the weed... which would be me.

Don't take this the wrong way though, cause it's not like I don't like you guys, because I do. It's just that I would rather be your friend, then someone observing you from the sidelines. And that's how it feels when I smoke weed. Maybe it was the wrong combination of people, maybe it was me being preoccupied with my health, or maybe it's just me being completely nuts. But either way, next time talk me out of it.

Last couple days

Been an interesting last couple of days to say the least.

I think I have food poisoning again from God knows what, which if anyone was wondering is why I keep just leaving before it's even dark out. Yeah not good times.

What is good times though is that I only have 2 days of school next week.

I've also decided that I want to actually start enhancing my music collection to more than the 15ish bands that it currently consists of. So Will and Andrew will probably get quite annoyed with me soon enough.

For those of you who are completely out of the loop, Liz and I broke up. I'm hoping there's no ill will on either of our parts. I think things will be okay though, cause we've been talking and hanging out still. Yeah that's really all I feel needs to be said on that one.

Had a fucking blast time spectacular at Rutgers the other night. I met Karina for the first time, and if Will sees this to him I say, "Well played sir. Well played." Got waaaay too drunk for my own good and forget a lot of what happened after the camp fire, but it was still awesometastic.

Now I have to poop, so I'm done for tonight.

Wednesday, Also the first blog entry.

Well, at the request of some I have decided to start a blog. I don't really get blogs, I mean... why you all want to listen to my drivel about my day is beyond me really. But hey, I'm an easygoing person, so I'll give it a shot.

Today I did... well honestly a whole lot of nothing. I woke up this morning after playing video games till 3 AM, with a headache and no desire to go to class. God that sounds like every other 19 year old college student (well except for the fact that if I was still at a University I would probably be hung over). So you know, I get up do whatever and go to school.

History sucked, some hillbilly girl blabbed with her communist sweatshirt on for like 10 minutes. Followed by the lovely raspy old man-woman voice of Dr. Hurley... who mind you is the bane of my existence and one day she will "fall down some stairs". Fat kid in front of me told her that she was repeating all the same stuff from the previous class, and I laughed a bit on the inside... then some girl dropped her binder and I helped her pick it up. Yup, history class was awesome.

Next was lunch where I played cards with people... far less people than normal because everyone was doing work or working out. Had some meatloaf and mashed potatoes, which they had the audacity to call "Salisbury Steak". I mean... it was still good, but SUCH LIES! I got a text from my manager that said to take the night off which was pretty sick.

Psych was about 10 minutes long of a critical thinking essay.

Business I forget because I fell asleep.

Then I went and got Marvel vs. Capcom 2 and we played that shit and Andrews, and then watched The Simpsons Movie. Went home at like 6 PM cause we're all lame and we never have anything to do >:(!!!!

Talked with my step mom about life and got really drunk, and now I am just sitting around back full circle playing video games and writing this blog. Entertaining no?

I feel like I said I was gonna blog about something specifically, but I forget because I'm tired / inebriated.